I am a working progress and pray about letting go every day.
From: Stepping Stones
Christmas Gift
By Roxanne Pereira
Do you know that Christmas party gift game where everyone brings an inexpensive gift and anonymously places it in the middle of the circle? The first person takes a gift and unwraps it with glee and amusement. After that, all the other participants have the opportunity to choose between an opened gift or one that remains wrapped.
The adventurous in the group will choose an unopened gift hoping that the wrapping hides an undiscovered treasure. Others will play it safe and choose a mediocre but acceptable gift instead of risking the unknown.
What about you? When you play this Christmas game, do you typically choose a gift that is already open or risk taking a chance on a gift that is still wrapped?
I usually take the opened gift. I'm not particularly adventurous, nor am I overly optimistic about the unopened treasures.
A "Control Freak"
In truth, I'm a "control-freak": a classic Type A personality, a highly scripted individual. I don't do well with uncertainty. I take every opportunity I can to manage risk and uncertainty. I do it carefully, meticulously, and with any resources that may be available to me. I’m the queen of spreadsheets, smart phones, internet research, and purposeful goal-setting.
With a stoic grin to hide my panic, I project a facade of confidence to those around me. I'm pretty sure I have everyone seduced into believing I'm strong, capable, confident, secure, and successful. In fact, I’m so adept at manufacturing my identity that most of the time I’m able to convince myself of its truth. When I’m not managing future risk, I carefully scan for cracks in my walls, and I quickly plaster them and think happy thoughts.
No Need for God
Spiritually, planning gives me a false sense of control that convinces me of my own sufficiency. When all is going as planned, I really have no need for God. All I need is myself. Of course, I have carefully hidden those feelings from my fellow believers. I know we’re supposed to live our lives based on God’s sufficiency, not our own. But who needs Him, when I’ve got it all figured out? As you can imagine, people like me don't do well with circumstances that throw a curve ball into our life blueprints.
Without Notice
Tragically, life has an unsettling habit of not subscribing to my design. Without notice, my fertility journey has thrust me into an awareness of my personal insufficiency. The particulars of that journey are like so many others and do not bear detailed recounting here. The end result is that after two years of trying to conceive, my husband and I have faced the cold, hard reality that we’re unlikely to have biological children without medical intervention. Even with Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), the future is unpredictable.
Deluding Myself
Through this experience, I’ve learned to appreciate the difference between what is certain and what is unpredictable. I recognize that the person and character of God is certain (Hebrews 13:8). He is good; He is just; He is loving; along with countless other attributes that defy human language and understanding. Life, on the other hand, remains unpredictable. For some of the reasons already outlined (e.g., my personality and my fears), I have deluded myself at times into believing that my planning produces a measure of predictability in a hostile world. Each time my fragile and superficial control over the world around me crumbles, I’m tossed into a vortex of doubt, embarrassment, and instability.
The End of Myself
Along the way I've read verses like 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." My usual thought, when my life was going according to plan, was that is obviously for the poor in spirit; you know, the people who can't manage their lives well or rise above challenges. Those people must just give up at the first sign of struggle and take comfort in their frailty as they run to God. I arrogantly considered myself better than those people. Then, before I could see it coming, I was one of them. I unexpectedly came to the end of myself.
The sad part is not so much coming to the end of myself, but recalling the numerous times I’d been in that place before and had forgotten that I had an end! I guess I have poorly-developed spiritual muscle memory.
This time, the end of myself involved coming to grips with the fact that I have essentially no power to will or force or even wish into happening what I want my family to look like. Sure, I can push the medical system to assess us. I can even undergo the treatment offered to me by the best specialists. At the end of the day, it's all in God's hands: my family, my future, and my life.
Grace Is Sufficient
When I finally acknowledge that I’ve reached the end of myself and accept that I need grace and that it is sufficient for me, a kind of overwhelming peace envelops me. Grace and sufficiency. I mean, really sufficient. Like the only thing I need. Like my life couldn’t carry on without it.
Sometimes people become depressed when faced with the reality that there are circumstances out of their control. Another option, and the one I chose, is to believe in a God who loves me. A God who loves me so much that He created me, chose me, pursues me, woos me, and pledges His undying passion for what’s best for me. I believe that if God chooses a particular path for my life, it's because it's the best, the richest, and the most fulfilling path for me. Sometimes I forget that and think that my plan—the path I want to go on—is more desirable.
So, the next time I’m playing that Christmas gift game and I can choose either an opened gift or one that remains wrapped, I’m not sure which I will choose. But I am sure of this: Jesus is the best gift for me!
