Before infertility, I had a limited view of others going through a difficult time. I am ashamed to admit but my thought pattern was something like this... "what's the big deal, it will all work out in the long run." For two reasons: 1) I had never gone through a true struggle and could not empathize or even really sympathize. 2) I was very selfish and didn't want to see past my own petty problems. Recently, I have reflected on all the times I was desperately lacking in the sympathy department.
My sister went through a VERY difficult pregnancy and delivered preemie twin girls. Her journey makes my infertility look like a "walk in the park". I was not there for her like I should have been. She was on bed rest in the hospital for months and I only visited her once. I was even irritated by how much attention she was getting. For my sister, this was VERY UNWANTED attention. I didn't care. I was unable not willing to opening my eyes and see the big picture, take a step back and realize she needed my love and support. Well, God decided I needed a little wake up call...
One day, I began thinking about all the hardships people in my life have gone through or are going through... losing a parent, my sister's pregnancy, saying goodbye to a best friend, having a sick family member, losing a job, losing a child, etc. I remember thinking, "wow... Rachel you really suck and need to work on showing others more support." I started grieving for those loved ones who had gone through a rough time even though their time of pain had been years ago. I decided I needed to act. I called my precious sister to ask her for forgiveness. I told her how sorry I was for not being present during the most difficult time in her life. I revealed that if I could do it over again, I would have handled things differently. What was the cause and effect to allow me to have this new perspective on her struggle? I explained that our walk through infertility had opened my eyes to see the bigger picture. It's not all about me.
I wish I could snap my fingers and make all my pain go away and wake up with a tiny baby in my arms but that would be WAY TOO EASY. Right now, I must hurt to grow as a person, sister, friend, wife and daughter. Infertility is my struggle. It's my turn to walk through the trenches. BUT our journey is not all pain and no gain. I've gained a new pair of eyes, a softer heart, and longer arms to reach out to others. If God gave me the option to have a child right now but in return I would lose all the lessons I've learned, I would have to say no way dude! To all my friends and family who have struggled and I was not there for you... I am deeply sorry. The next time I promise to hug a little longer and pray a little harder. God thank you for this new perspective.
On a side note... I have decided to no longer keep my blog setting on private. So my one reader, my mom, can add this on her Google reader account. I ask that you please do not share this link with others. I want to keep my blog as private as possible. Spanks!
