Hard

Hard Lots has changed since my last post.  Most everyone knows what's going on so this post is for me... I need to process my feelings.   I am SCARED.  I am worried about Keller's health and my health.  Here's the latest. I still have vasa previa.   If I was to go in labor (yikes), it would be very challenging for Keller.  I will require a timed c-section.  Usually, not so scary but I am having preterm contractions and uterine activity.  Hard to not worry about going into labor before he's ready.  We will confirm the vasa previa on the 11th at the high risk ob.  Maybe they will disagree?  Something tells me this might change again... I have always had LOTS of venous lakes.  It's in His hands.  Huge positive.... my FFN test on Friday was negative.  Need to focus on this more.  Means 99% chance I will not go into labor in the next two weeks.  Thankful.  I failed my one hour glucose test.  Not sure I can do the 3 hour test due to hyperemesis.  So, might just have to monitor my sugar levels for a week and go from there. If I start feeling better, I would rather do the 3 hour test. Tried on a pair of my smallest non preggers jeans and they are sagging in my rear end.  I'm small.  It's not as pleasant as one would think.  In fact it's scary.  I haven't been able to gain any weight in my pregnancy. The reasons I think are:  I've lost most of my muscles from bed rest, I was very sick the first 14 weeks, and also I'm still not eating much because of the meds I'm on.  I would do anything to put 5 pounds on...  I know I would feel better.  Positive:  I might not be healthy but Keller is.  He weighed 2 lbs and 3 ounces at 26 weeks.  What a stinker!  I am anemic.  My doctor doesn't want me to do iron supplements because of my stomach.  I'm to eat iron rich foods. Guess who isn't a big meat fan?  Blah Do I have a wheat intolerance or do I not?  I've really limited my diet because of the gluten free stuff.  I am thinking gaining weight might be more important now. I'm crampy and having lots pressure.  Making it hard to distract myself. We have low amniotic fluid.  Most likely from a medicine I've stopped. We are rechecking fluid levels on the 11th.  Praying this has resolved.    Heavenly father, Everyday is a blessing.  You always know what is best.  Please change my attitude.  I am scared and this is not  what you want for me.  Open my heart to fully trust you.  Help me to take this one day at a time.  I beg of you to protect our baby boy but know you have the perfect plan.  I know you love Keller more than I will ever understand.  He is always your baby first and we thank you for this precious gift!  Thank you for Jeremy.  He is wonderful.  You picked the very best partner and daddy for us.  Please help me eat more and feel better.  You are the ultimate healer!  Thank you for another day!     I'm 26 weeks and 2 days!