My other favorite running buddy, Jeremy!
Well, I would be lying if I said I've been myself lately. The truth is I have been struggling with lots of fear. I keep hoping for a sign to appear saying... "It will work". Instead, I have been worrying about our cycle being canceled and of all the "what ifs". What if I have too many follicles or not enough follicles.... what if the nurse tells me the wrong orders.... what if the doctor is in a hurry the day of the transfer.... what if I mess up my medicine (I did with my last IUI).... what if nothing fertilizes.... what if I am not doing enough to prepare my body.... what if I'm not eating healthy enough.... what if it DOES NOT WORK!!!! Those are just a few examples, but believe me it's a REALLY long list. Y'all, I am a mess right now. My mind is going non stop.
I remember in high school when I was running for OHS cross country I was so nervous about everything. I had zero confidence in my running skills. I regret being so scared because cross country was supposed to be FUN. I was never going to be a running super star, but I still could have enjoyed the experience more. Instead, I always focused on the "what ifs" and worried about what Salty was going to make us do in practice. Don't get me wrong, I did have fun, (it was impossible not to with that team) but it could have been more of a meaningful experience if I had just sat back and enjoyed the ride. Same with IVF, I don't want to be so worried about the "what ifs" that it takes away from this experience. This has been the biggest and most promising step we have taken to be parents. I don't want to miss out:)
After high school I started training for half marathons. Some I trained for and some not so much. I always have doubt before a race wishing I had trained more, but often I am pleasantly surprised with my times. It usually goes better than I had expected. BUT every runner has a race that even though they trained their butt off for it, there was an unforeseen circumstance which was completely out of their control, causing them not to reach their goal. Maybe you had to POOP, bad weather, or you woke up feeling bad. Jeremy and I having been training/ preparing for our race/IVF. We have cut out caffeine and alcohol. We are exercising and eating healthy. I am going to acupuncture and doing meditation. I am drinking freaking fertility tea! We both take three different types of vitamins a day. I have Jeremy eating a 1/2 cup of raw almonds a day (I know I'm crazy, but google male infertility and almonds). We are doing everything in our power to increase our chances of success. Is it enough? Will we reach our goal?
Even if Jeremy and I were perfect fertility patients and did everything we were supposed to doesn't mean it will always work out. It might not. Just like a trained runner can have a bad race, we could have a bad cycle. We are really not the ones in control. I can prepare all I want, but if it's not God's timing then it's just not His timing. For someone who likes to be in control (ME!!!), this has been a hard pill to swallow. No matter what I do, I am not the one in control. My mom always says, "aren't you glad we're not in control, we would all be a mess." Well, I AM glad I'm not in control because I would be a hot mess!
I pray that when we look back we will see His perfect plan. I might not understand it now, but I bet I will one day. August and September will be challenging but could also be very exciting. I must remember that God, my running buddy, will be with me every step and cheering me on from start to finish. He will give me the endurance to continue and the focus not to give up. Much like when I am running a long distance race and need to stop at a water station to recharge, writing this post gives me a "water break". It reminds how much my running buddy loves me and will never let me down. Similar to how a water break can quench my thirst, God's love replenishes my soul.
